12 June 2012

wanting change

The deployment brought into the open a lot of character flaws that I'd previously been unaware of. I wrestled with them through that year. Kim's coming home helped me to stifle them, a little. But these partially hidden flaws still affect me, like rocks just beneath the river's surface.

This last week has been . . . significant. Spiritual. There's a crossroads before me, I can sense it, feel it. There's a quiet sort of energy thrumming underneath, an anticipatory sort of excitement rising. I've been here before. A few months ago, I was too uncertain to act.

If I make the right choice here, I can break free of these things I hate about myself. I know it.

But if I hesitate . . . if I wait . . . Not choosing is in itself a choice, as I learned last time.

First I must start making time for myself each night. A time without mommyhood interruptions or technological distractions. A time to just be me as I think, journal, and pray.

This, I can do. And through this, everything else will come.

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