the big picture

Last week I submitted a painting to my church's newest art exhibit, Overcome. All the accepted submissions were arranged in the hallway/gallery on Saturday. They will remain up for several months.

Songbird

I'd thought my painting brilliant. It is certainly my best so far. Not perfect in technique (something I'm still learning), but perfect to me. Beyond all the time I put into its creation; beyond all the care and effort it took from me; beyond all of that, it portrays my daily battle against depression in a very tangible way. It means something to me.

But seeing it among the other paintings submitted to the exhibit was humbling. Truly humbling. My work fades into everything else. It is simply a piece of a great collection. A smaller piece. In fact, I do not know if anyone would miss it if it were not there.

I didn't submit my painting for recognition or a blue ribbon, but even so I felt at a loss. It is so big to me that seeing it look any less big is a bizarre experience.

The painting is like my life.

I am so close to the stresses, dramas, and problems of my life that they seem huge. But if I take a step back I see that I am only an minuscule piece of the big picture. My problems are inconsequential. The world truly does not revolve around me.

My life is trivial in the grand scheme of things, yet at the same time it is also important. Humans are not isolated beings. Remove my minuscule piece and all the lives that I have touched, all the lives I will touch, will remain untouched. It may not be a devastating change, but it just might change the shape of the big picture.

finish line

Today feels like that scene in the movie Madagascar, where the penguins finally reach their destination and are completely unimpressed by it. The entire reason they broke out of the zoo was in reality the exact opposite of what they were expecting and wanting.

Similarly, I woke up energized at 5 this morning. Well, okay. I wasn't terribly enthused at first, but then 6 rolled around and wow! I was ready to go. I got dishes done, a load of laundry cycled through, wrote a letter to Kim, had some time with God, got a shopping list together, and got the kids up for breakfast. And that's when things started downhill.

The day continued in the same vein as the last almost week and a half did, but today was worse. I don't even want to go into all the crap that happened, and the points where I lost my temper. I want to bury today in the dust and just remember that glorious beginning.

You know, a lot of people focus on the ending. Better to finish well than begin well, right? But the best way to end well is to start well. Having a good start is sometimes the only way to ensure you actually get to the finish line - barely managing to crawl, maybe even needing someone to carry you the rest of the way, but making it across.

So even if the temptation is to look around and say, "This sucks," I'm not going to. I'm where I was aiming for.

some firsts

This year, I'm doing something different.  On previous New Year's, I've mourned the lasts while looking forward to the firsts to come.

Today, I'm rejoicing over this past year's firsts:

• I turned 22 for the first time.
• We had the first ever double birthday party for the kids.  It was also the first themed birthday party we've ever done.  (The closest we got before that was the LOST map I spent hours creating on the top of my birthday cake this year.)
• For our 4th anniversary, we did a vow renewal with our closest friends, family, and favorite pastor.
• We had our first real honeymoon, also in celebration of our anniversary.
• It was the first year since getting married that we did not move to a different apartment.
• We began our first deployment.
• I had my first plane ride.
• I got to see elephants, gorillas, flamingos, white tigers, sting rays, sharks, jelly fish, and more for the very first time in real life.
• I got my first "real" camera.
• It was the first Christmas Yonah was old enough to really get into.

Some firsts that I'm looking forward to in the upcoming year are:

• The first baby born in a wonderful birthing center.
• Arabelle's first experience as an older sister.
• The first year my son will "officially" begin homeschooling, even if it's just preschool.  (Is he really that old already?)
• The first homecoming after a deployment.

ending on a high note

This morning I started well, despite approximately only two hours of sleep the night before.  Amazingly, I was not only able to stay conscious (though mental processes and energy levels were rather lethargic) until nap, but I also was able to eat and keep things down . . . until, at some point during nap, this baby decided that something in my lunch s/he did not like.  The rest of the day after that, until about 10 this evening, I could barely prop myself up in bed without losing something.

Apparently, my children decided that this was not acceptable, after I had had such a non-sick start.  Arabelle succumbed to a belief that there was absolutely nothing worth being happy about, unless perhaps that involved getting anything she even mildly was interested in having.  Having to deal with a massive meltdown every 10-15 minutes or so did grate my nerves a little, but once I was able to get up and about again she started calming down.

Yonah, on the other hand, expressed his frustration through finding a black crayon and coloring on just about every single surface available to his reach, from the dresser in my bedroom, to the washing machine (inside of lid included), to inside the microwave, and everything in between.  For some reason he decided to spare the bathroom and the office; I wouldn't be surprised if the only reason they were skipped was because God set angels to guard those doorways, since before we've discovered a frustrated person had colored inside the toilet.

At first I was very upset to discover the crayon's work; but Yonah and I had a talk about what he had done, and why, and how he could better handle frustrations like this in the future, and then - of his own choice - he ran for a rag, got it wet all by himself, and started trying to help me scrub away the crayon marks.  It actually turned into a bit of a fun scavenger hunt, and each time we found a new place he'd colored, he apologized - without prompting.

It does a Mommy's heart good to see her son acting in the ways she has trained him to know as right and good.

life in moments

What was my favorite moment from today?

Was it when the kids woke up at about 2am, and after they couldn't get back to sleep we spent the time from 4 to 8 snuggling as we watched our current favorite TV show?

Was it when I woke up to hear Lego Batman being played, and once Yonah realized I was awake (thanks to a flushing toilet) he came running to ask if he could play Batman?

Was it Yonah's sense of style, pairing a long-sleeved blue-green motorcyclist shirt first with very green plaid shorts, and then with very Hawaiian shorts?

Was it Arabelle coming at random times to give me a hug and a quick snuggle?

Was it the kind grandfatherly type working at the post office, who didn't mind the kids being energetic kids, and made a game for them involving ringing the bell on the door?

Was it when Yonah asked if we could get something for the baby when we were at the second-hand children's store?

Was it when I dozed off while waiting for Yonah to finish the level of Lego Batman, and then waking up to find him snuggled up against my side and asleep?

Was it when we did our Halloween costume test and practiced being 'in character'?

I can't pick one to write about.  All of these shine brightly in my heart today.