a dream realized

My little Fujifilm point-and-shoot camera went missing some time ago.  With its loss I quickly realized an opportunity.  It has always been a desire of mine to have a more professional camera so I could really capture the beautiful pictures that I craved.  I'd always dutifully swept this under the rug - especially after getting the little Fujifilm, which often took pictures that just blew me away.

I was inspired by a post I read on another blog.  I seriously considered if getting more than a point-and-shoot as a camera would give me the boost I needed to get me where I needed to go.  I started researching different cameras, checking out the pictures each took, reading through numerous reviews and comparisons, and really considering the purchase.

I ended up getting the Nikon D3100, an entry-level DSLR that came with an 18-55mm lens.  I have loved it from the moment I held it in my hands for the first time.  I'm saving now for another lens, either the 18-150mm or the 18-200mm.  Basically, I want to change lenses as little as possible, while being able to capture just about everything.

And that boost?  The most important is how much I really see the world when I am looking through that little square viewfinder.  It's so much easier to feel passionate about life when I am reminded of just how breathtaking it all is.  Other side effects are more motivation for housework (don't want to be embarrassed by my pictures, now do I?); a strong desire to get outside these four walls every day; better adherence to the daily routine; I take more pictures now - I could before, but now I get to; and splurging a bit on an old dream really has made me feel better about myself.

(Plus there is an added bonus: my son's favorite thing right now is for me to take pictures of him and his sister, which makes a nice incentive for good behavior and cleaning up his toys each day.)

All in all, it is one of the best purchases I have made, and I am absolutely happy that I finally had the guts to do it.

sick of being sick

These past four years, I have had more than my share of being sick; compared to some people, I've gone through an entire lifetime's worth of it in just this short time.  It's been an easy accomplishment for me.  With continuing digestion issues due to a permanent lack of the normal number of intestines, I've also managed to be pregnant, with heavy "morning" sickness lasting the entire 9 months, three times.  On a couple unfortunate days, the two issues combine to make an extraordinarily sick woman.  (Do I eat to appease "morning" sickness, knowing I'll be seeing it again shortly due to intestinal issues?  Or do I wait to eat so my intestines have some time to sort their issue out, leaving myself vulnerable to "morning" sickness?)

Today being one of the days the issues have collided into each other, I think it is safe to say that I have definitely come back into passion in at least one area of my life.  To say that I hate throwing up is not enough - I loathe it with the core of my being.  If I could go the rest of my life avoiding flu, intestinal issues, "morning" sickness, sympathetic nausea (which I learned to be a problem after becoming a mom), food poisoning, and anything else that might incite my stomach into deeming its residents unsuitable, I would consider myself to be one of the happiest women in the world.

what's in a color?

Any art communicates what you are in the mood to receive.

Larry Rivers

I spent a lot of time toying with the design settings on this blog.  I've never really cared for pink.  But every time it came to saving the changes, I'd cancel out of the window.  One time I actually succeeded in changing the background to a beautiful deep blue, but almost immediately I was back in the editing window, changing it back to the original pink I'd set it up with.  I had no idea why.  Deep blue is, after all, my favorite color, so it made no sense.

But then I realized that in changing the image, I was ignoring the Holy Spirit's prompting.  I was deeply puzzled and tried to understand why a simple color is so important in the grand scheme of my life.  I didn't get an answer.  So I thought about it, and finally it clicked.  Right now, blue is safe to me.  It's a calm, collected, disciplined color.  It's about coloring in the lines, keeping people from feeling uncomfortable.  I'm not saying this is wrong, but for this time I need to be out of my comfort zone.  The pink is vibrant, exciting, and, dare I say it, passionate.  At least, this background is, with its splashes of color in such an unorthodox manner - no boundaries separating the yellow and pink, no order to the smears and layers.  It speaks of life lived in such a lively, carefree, creative manner; not paying any attention to what people think, and being beautiful because of it!

a new ending begins

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.

Carl Bard

Somewhere along the course of my life, my passion began dimming, and, before I even noticed, had disappeared completely.  I had been passionate about life, but not anymore.  In fact, I can't think of anything that I am truly passionate about now.  I don't know what's more depressing to me: the fact that the brilliant hues I once knew are now a dull black-and-white monotone, or the fact that I didn't even notice the change . . . wouldn't have noticed without God's intervention.  How sad.

The good news is that He did intervene.  He showed me what happened, and even helped me to see why.  My passion was choked out by a rather desperate need for somebody, anybody, to like me.  It's a very humbling realization that I, who was raised to know better, trampled blindly after the lie that my worth relies solely on what other people think of me.  Nevertheless, it happened, and I was trapped for years in the relentless pursuit of being liked.  It was a cycle of failure: the harder I tried to be liked, the more people resisted.  As people resisted, my confidence faded, requiring me to try harder to be liked.  Thanks to God's grace I've recovered from that lie and its effects, though my feet still prefer the familiar path I've trodden for so many years.

But it's been such a long time that I've forgotten how to have real passion for anything.  And that's where this blog comes in.  Last night I heard very clearly that God wants me to be filled once more with the passion that He had given me.  Then He challenged me to start a blog, and update it daily for a minimum of 6 months.  He was very clear that I must discipline myself back into passionate living in this way; also, that in order to regain what was lost I must share the journey with others.  I think it's slightly ironic that due to the very nature of a blog, I'll have to constantly fight against that old need to be liked.  I think God kind of planned it that way . . . 

So, this is the deal:  I am committing to at least one post every day, until April 20th (or longer), about something that catches my fancy.  I invite you to join with me on this journey.