loss

Coming home tonight, we discovered that the neighbors were having car troubles.  Instead of hurrying inside so we'd only be half an hour late for bed time, we stayed to see what they were doing to fix it.  The kids climbed up on the little white fence so they could see better.  They were enthralled by it.  Their excitement and interest caused mine to grow, as it always does when the people I love are excited about something (excluding anything to do with Twilight).

This entire deployment there have only been a handful of times when I am painfully aware of Kim's absence.  Tonight is one of them.  Yonah is full of questions now about what lies under the hood of a car.  These are questions I do not know how to answer.  But Kim could answer at least the basics.  They could go out together to look at and tinker with ours.  I can't put into words how important that special connection between a father and his child is; I don't think I have to, though.

Sometimes, the tragedy of a fatherless child is overwhelming to my heart.  I can almost feel God's heartache.  This is not how it was meant to be.  Thank goodness that for these precious children of mine this is only temporary.

catching up

I missed two posts the last two days, and for that I apologize to anyone following this journey.  Friday was busy, and the time I could have used to post was eaten up by a very long and satisfying conversation with my husband.  Even though I will be seeing him very shortly (he's on his way now!), I couldn't help but let the conversation not only eat up spare time, but also significantly encroach on my ability to get sleep that night.  Not only did I miss the blog, but I was too busy packing and completing my checklists to be able to sleep at all.

Last night I fully intended to spend my evening alone writing - first here, and then unleashing a whirlwind on my NaNoWriMo project.  I passed out before completing the first sentence in yesterday's post.  Flying, a brand new experience to me, takes a lot more energy than I had given it credit for, seeing as it really is just a lot of sitting.  Of course it might have helped had I gotten sleep the night before.

Regardless, I missed two days.  To compensate, I am extending the end of this challenge by two days.

not quite real

Today we picked up the Flat Daddy my husband arranged for us to have while he's gone.  It's basically a cardboard cutout approaching life size, but not nearly as cool as I was expecting.  I guess I've spent too much time dreaming destruction for my sisters' Edward cutouts . . . This one is only from the head to the upper abdomen, and doesn't even have all the arms at the sides.  Kind of lame, but at the same time, it's not nearly as creepy as I'd been expecting.  At first the kids were pretty unaffected - probably having more to do with the fact that we had to go to a strange new building to get it.  But once we got home, the giggles and excitement ensued.

Yonah kept "taking pictures" of it with my old film camera, and asking (Flat) Daddy if he could smile a little more, and possibly say cheese.  Then he'd look at me, grin and giggle something along the lines of "Oh, right.  Of course he can't!"

Arabelle waits until Yonah is engrossed in something, and then snatches it away and carries it around, jabbering to it.  I guess it's a good thing it's smaller than I was expecting!

All bittersweet moments . . . they miss their Daddy so much, and I really wish that he was home, too.  But at least they can feel like he's kind of here.